Does it take longer to get through Wegman’s or a Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

May 29, 2007

We saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End on Monday. Based on IMDB running times, I figure I’ve sacrificed 7 hours and 41 minutes of my life to the Pirates of the Caribbean series, and I’m not sure what I’ve gotten in exchange. I found At World’s End to be visually interesting without being visually arresting, and funny despite never really laughing, which is kind of how I feel about the whole series.

Take the scene where two ships engage in a naval battle while going around a dangerous whirlpool. From my rough count, there are about 6 shots of Geoffrey Rush as Captain Barbossa at the helm of one ship, looking crazed while – gasp! – turning the ship into the whirlpool instead of heading to safety. Of course, the pirate crew is shocked…they seem to be thinking, is the Captain crazy? Maybe just crazy enough to win this fight!

So the first time, you say great. I get it. The next five times they show you crazed Geoffrey Rush turning the ship into the whirlpool – heeere we go again lads! – you start thinking, enough already. Pop quiz, what is the captain going to do? Observe strict by-the-book naval procedure, or go with some outrageous plan that just…might…work?

And yes, we understand that Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow is so unbelievably piratey that he can swing around on ropes, fighting other pirates along the way, land on narrow beams on tall masts, and balance himself after almost falling. You know when we understood this? The first time we saw it. When we see it every 45 seconds, it’s slightly less impressive. Which should really be the subtitle of every Pirates of the Caribbean movie. POTC: Slightly Less Impressive.

But I don’t need to be so negative, the movie was actually what I expect from all of these movies: actors either chewing scenery, mailing it in, or both; the actors being good enough (apart from the insidious Orlando Bloom) to win you over anyways; the movie being original enough to make up for being 30 minutes too long; and leaving the theater a little frustrated that if you take out the extra 30 minutes of second and third chances at one-time visual gags, you’d probably have a much better movie.

After that – my first trip to Wegman’s. We drove out to Sterling specifically to go to the store since everyone we talk to raves about it. Coincidentally, I felt the same way about Wegman’s as I did about POTC – it’s about 30 minutes too long. Literally, it took us over 90 minutes to get through, and after an hour I was thinking about the Bataan Death March. You shouldn’t feel like a prisoner of war in the deli section, and your produce shouldn’t spoil before you can navigate your way out of the shampoo wing.

But it is an amazing store. Huge wine section, great cheese section, unbelievable stocks of hard-to-find items (black truffles sitting out in the produce section???). Conveniently vacuum-packed meats if you wanted to stock up and freeze some while avoiding freezer burn. Best store for people with sub-normal eating habits. Ever. There’s like two full aisles of vegan and gluten-free food, along with an entire ecosystem of organic crap.

I’m no friend to the orgos but, man, they could set up a fucking cot in Wegman’s and minimize their eco-footprint for YEARS. The only problem is, it’s in Sterling, which is an awfully long bike ride.


One Response to “Does it take longer to get through Wegman’s or a Pirates of the Caribbean movie?”

  1. Rob V. Says:

    Hey, where’s Sterling? I’m orginally from Rochester, NY, home of Wegmans (there’s 5 in my home-suburb alone), and I love when people go to one for the first time. It’s such a great store, and a great company. I’m glad it’s expanding throughout the east coast, like where I am now! (Eastern PA).

    If it’s a brand new store, give it about six months for the crowds to truly die down to where it all runs smooth. Once you know where everything is, you’ll really love it.

    (No, I don’t work for them!) 🙂

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