Panda bears are, by and large, idiots
June 7, 2007
So we have news of a possible second pregnancy for the female panda at the National Zoo. Yeah! I think I can speak for the entire Metropolitan area in saying we’re excited for another go-round – we all highly enjoyed Butterstick in 2005.
Now it’s generally accepted that habitat loss in China has endangered our precious pandas. However, let me point out three facts, which are well-known:
- Despite having the digestive system of a carnivore, Pandas choose to eat diets consisting of 99 percent bamboo. Since they lack the ability to digest cellulose efficiently, bamboo is an unbelievably ineffective diet for pandas.
- Panda cubs weigh 4 ounces at birth, despite a 4-5 month gestation period. Of course, maybe human babies would only weigh 4 ounces if their mothers consisted solely on newspaper.
- Panda bears hate sex. Hate it. Of course, this is just my conjecture, not really a scientific fact. But I’d like to say (a) I’ve never witnessed panda sex, and (b) have you? If not, how can we be sure it occurs? I mean for pete’s sake, they have to show captive bears TAPES OF OTHER PANDAS FUCKING to teach them how to have sex. Then again, what am I talking about? 90 percent of American males learn the same way.
Given these things, how can we blame deforestation for the panda problem? Maybe we should blame the retarded pandas, huh? What about that?
They are cute though.